As Pope, I forbid in vitro fertilisation, stem cell research and genetic diagnosis technology.

Some evildoers dare question my right to prevent you from trying to have a healthy child!

If God wanted you to have normal children He would not have made you all such a bunch of stupid, ignorant, retarded morons. (I say that with deep empathy and understanding).

Even if you have abnormal children, they can change. Look at what happened to me and my brother Georg after we found the Catholic Church.

Satanists say that my opinion does not matter because I am a 95 year-old dimwit who may, or may not, have:

A. Had an anal wart that looked like the Blessed Virgin Mary
B. Ejaculated into my mother’s brassiere
C. Suckled the puckered nipples of a pre-op transsexual
D. Almost choked on the scrotum of a Portuguese sailor
E. Drooled over the pert, slapped, buttocks of my older brother
F. Tried to pull a French tickler condom (strawberry flavour) over my flaccid man-tool
G. Sniffed the sweat-stained, split-crotch, panties of a $2,000 an hour pole dancer
H. Chewed floor sweepings after a Brazilian wax job and spent an hour getting pubic hair out of my teeth
I. Masturbated while watching The Passion of the Christ

There are very straightforward answers to such shameful and disgusting allegations:

A – it was a genuine medical miracle. The photos are in the June 1942 issue of The Lancet, I appear under the pseudonym of “Anonymous VD Patient Number 69”
B – she wasn’t wearing it at the time (although it was still warm)
C & H – were, technically, legal in Morocco at the time
E – they were VERY pert
I – everybody at the Vatican IMAX was doing it
F – I’d had 15 Jello shots, who wouldn’t be a bit limp?

And the others are well past the Statute of Limitations.

I hope this settles the matter.

Loopy Fruity